WARRIOR TRAINING (AN APOLOGY)
A quote by poetess Audre Lorde found me the other day. She said this: I have a duty to speak the truth as I see it and share not just my triumphs, but the pain.
It struck me that she was promoting transparency, and then it became apparent that I have not been practicing the same. Certainly not as completely as I’d like.
I used to. It’s ironic that this message found its way to me through a poet; because I used to do this often - even daily - with the poetry I crafted at the time.
I’d share the pleasure + the heartache: a faceted, dimensioned view of whatever I happened to be living at the time.
But in the many years since then, I’ve somehow learned to close my mouth: to face those darker moments all-alone.
I’ve learned to wait-to-speak until “the answer” has been found - until I’ve triumphed.
And I can see how this restricts the image I present to one dimension.
It cuts me off from those I love - and limits their access to me.
This is perhaps dishonesty, though subtle: unintended.
It’s time for me to right it in my way.
CONTINUED…
The truth is, I’ve been hacking at the weeds of unknown territory now for many years. The truth is, I have weathered greater storms than I could ever have anticipated I would have the strength to witness, let alone survive.
The truth is that the “simple wisdom” I have shared in public is a fruit born of long seasons in the dirt: struggling to organize myself amidst the challenge + decay of prior methods.
The truth is that these few pearls I have gathered were hard-won through irritation, confrontation, and despair. The truth is, even now, I barely know what they are for.
The truth is, I’ve been fighting in the trenches for some time: facing depths + demons I have only ever read about before:
Living out what others have considered only theory, concept, metaphor, ideal.
The truth is it’s been beautiful - and terrifying, too.
CONTINUED…
I am reminded of a scene from the movie, Troy. A young boy is sent to fetch Achilles for a settlement of armies between champions.
He says, “The Thessalonian you’re fighting… he’s the biggest man I’ve ever seen. I wouldn’t want to fight him.
Achilles turns to face the boy: “That’s why no one will remember your name.”
CONTINUED…
It’s important to be honest: I’m not out here reading books, then charging hefty fees to share ideas I discovered just this morning. I’m not playing on the surface:
I am living all the best ideas I have ever recognized as truth. I’m a warrior in my own way, and I want you to see what that way is.
And so I’m sorry for attempting to protect you from the view of inner challenges, discouragement, and fear.
I’m sorry for presenting only triumph when the path to gain it is so vivid with important lessons, too.
The truth is: I’m afraid it is a burden far too heavy for the ones I love to bear on my behalf.
But I am learning (slowly) that the hearts around me are as strong as mine.
I do believe it’s time to share the triumph + the terror + the pain:
If only to be honest; if only to come closer to the truth.
CONTINUED…
The deeper work is harder work (at least it is at first).
It takes real time + courage. Also training.
It’s time to find my training partners now.